Brain Quiet: If I could bottle you, I'd buy you for sure

It always starts with an abstract thought that bothers you a bit.

But I know I am not in a good way when a few seconds later my stomach starts to feel queasy, usually within minutes I suffer from diarrhea. (yes- instant and explosive! )

By the time I have dealt with this, my brain falls to pieces. The panic and worry come in uncontrollable onslaughts. The ‘what if’ scenarios changing at a rate that it all becomes a jumble, and I can’t articulate what it is I am thinking anymore. This is usually when I start to cry. Then I am fighting the crying. Because I know once the tears come, they don’t stop, sometimes in the past – for days – and because I am grasping at the edge. I have fallen off the edge before, where the line is blurred between being in control of you faculties and well – not. And the fear of falling over again is worse than the fear of whatever your currently dealing with in your life that is making you feel stressed.

Then the worry turns its attention to living with anxiety. If I am this broken, how can I continue to function as an adult? How can I keep these responsibilites? And away we spin, out of control. If there is anything that anyone I know living with anxiety would ask for it would be ‘brain quiet’. I have found that for me to minimise my anxiety and emotional instability, I must have a peaceful brain. If I overload it with issues, worry, decisions… anything that causes ‘brain chatter’ AND I havent been eating well, sleeping well, etc… it is inevitable that I will be in a ‘losing it’ state of mind. I don’t want options. They hurt my head. So consequently this once decisive girl lives in a state of seeking instructions, which no one around me knows they are meant to be giving, so I turn myself inside out doing whatever tasks are in front of me, without coping with deciding what to put in front of me.

So then I get overloaded, and I want to be proactive, and I know what keeps me healthy, so I try to analyse my life and how I can keep it on the ‘brain quiet’ straight and narrow. But the problem with that is, in analysing what I should be doing to keep this family going I get an abstract thought…. that bothers me a bit.

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