we have had many kids that have moved past the point of tantrum and into histeria... youre unable to discipline at this point because they dont even know anymore why they are falling apart. I vote for comfort. Just work to getting them calm. Two great methods for me are 'time in' and also a nice warm shower, put them in it, even if they are sobbing and calmly talk about how they are going to calm down and feel the nice water etc... we talk the whole time they are in the shower about whats happening next, that they can pick the powder they want and the clothes to wear, they calm so quickly its astonishing, then once dressed, 'time in' again. Hold them close, at this point, we usually talk about what was going on, but half the time they fall asleep and have no clue why it even started. I like to think the lasting memory from it though was that they were supported and cared for and calmed, and maybe next time, they will trust me to share their feelings verbally rather than through a tantrum.
Sorry for the novel!! Would love to meet your little cuties one day!

Brain Quiet: If I could bottle you, I'd buy you for sure

It always starts with an abstract thought that bothers you a bit.

But I know I am not in a good way when a few seconds later my stomach starts to feel queasy, usually within minutes I suffer from diarrhea. (yes- instant and explosive! )

By the time I have dealt with this, my brain falls to pieces. The panic and worry come in uncontrollable onslaughts. The ‘what if’ scenarios changing at a rate that it all becomes a jumble, and I can’t articulate what it is I am thinking anymore. This is usually when I start to cry. Then I am fighting the crying. Because I know once the tears come, they don’t stop, sometimes in the past – for days – and because I am grasping at the edge. I have fallen off the edge before, where the line is blurred between being in control of you faculties and well – not. And the fear of falling over again is worse than the fear of whatever your currently dealing with in your life that is making you feel stressed.

Then the worry turns its attention to living with anxiety. If I am this broken, how can I continue to function as an adult? How can I keep these responsibilites? And away we spin, out of control. If there is anything that anyone I know living with anxiety would ask for it would be ‘brain quiet’. I have found that for me to minimise my anxiety and emotional instability, I must have a peaceful brain. If I overload it with issues, worry, decisions… anything that causes ‘brain chatter’ AND I havent been eating well, sleeping well, etc… it is inevitable that I will be in a ‘losing it’ state of mind. I don’t want options. They hurt my head. So consequently this once decisive girl lives in a state of seeking instructions, which no one around me knows they are meant to be giving, so I turn myself inside out doing whatever tasks are in front of me, without coping with deciding what to put in front of me.

So then I get overloaded, and I want to be proactive, and I know what keeps me healthy, so I try to analyse my life and how I can keep it on the ‘brain quiet’ straight and narrow. But the problem with that is, in analysing what I should be doing to keep this family going I get an abstract thought…. that bothers me a bit.

New blog site

I have created a new blog site at wordpress, link is attached, please go there, to read from now on.. you can also subscribe to read my ramblings from your inbox

http://sneakyhappiness.wordpress.com/

midnight ponderings.

Do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? I hate it. My brain is wide awake and my body is barely coping. I am never sure what the right thing to do is. I am always worried I am letting the stakeholders down. I worry.
Not in a "Oh No, the world is about to end" kind of sad way.. more in a "how can I fix everything, and make things perfect" way. Or a "have a made the right choices for my children" way...
I heard a saying once that said "they pull the babies out, and they shove the guilt in", its a wee bit crass but I think its relevant. Is there ever a time that a mothers mind is at peace?
Being solution oriented is a pro and a con, because it means that I can always see several options. And I can never be sure of which way to go. So I pick one, but I am always looking over my shoulder wondering if the other would have been a better option.
Anyway, for tonight at least, I have decided that I wish I were 8, without a care in the world other then cleaning my bedroom and my teeth.

family

I am thankful for the legacy of hospitality that Grandma and Grandpa have left in their descendants. I dont doubt that I could knock on any one of your doors and be welcomed with open arms.. What a wonderful culture.
Recently, Aunty Ros and Uncle Brian gave up their own holidays to house and feed me and emma and her kids. This was a sacrifice for not only them, but for Charlotte and Charlie. So welcoming and giving. Thank you so much.
But this is the same willing spirit that I have seen from all of you.
When we used to come down from PNG we would camp in the loungerooms of all my Aussie Aunts...
Aunty Nell kept me after my folks went home, and I remember her trepidation after I dyed my hair black with her neighbour... 'are you sure your mother wont mind?' (she said after I had done it!) I think my cheeky reply was 'it wont matter cause Ive done it, easier to say sorry than ask permission' (My poor mother... I love you Mum, God gave me the best blessing when he allowed me to be yours!)
Aunty Trices house was always so wonderful too, so much fun in the pool at the old Springwood house! and getting to play with Micheles girly things, and dance costumes was so much fun! Always a house of raucaus laughter.
Going to Cindys was (is!) magical. I remember thinking that it (Bondi) was paradise, so much freedom... buses to anywhere, great vibe, great conversations... always welcome at Cindys. I remember so many of my boarding school holidays spending 3am nights with you. Drinking Coffee like a grown up and fixing the problems of the world.
And Aunty Karen... you were always so wonderful too. I cant beleive the running around you willingly did to set me up at Lilydale. All the trips to and from the airports at the start and end of every term. Running around to buy me sleeping bags and pick up little treats for me!(now as a parent I can appreciate your sacrifice so much more, you were doing ALL of that plus doing the normal running around for your own kids, and managing it all with SO MUCH STYLE!) I was so proud when you would come to pick me up, my friends would see my beautiful Aunt, and I felt like smugly saying, yep, I'm with her!
Peter and John always made time for us too. I remember hanging out at the wilderness society (Is that the right organisation you worked for John) and being bought lunch at a Cafe.. and loving all the fantastic food! John I admire you so much, I hope my sons can become as admirable men as I think you are.
Same with you Peter, I remember traipsing around town with Meredith and meeting you in the city where you worked (I know it was govt, but too young to absorb the info) You always stop everything your doing when I drop around to see you and Evie (which I know isnt enough!) you make the time for people.
And Jenny, I know without even asking that your door is open to me. and any of the family. Your love for all of us is felt across the miles. One day I am going to camp on your loungeroom floor, as I know many of our relatives have.
My point is.. this hospitality, this warm accepting open home love that you all have, came from Gma and Gpa.. and what a blessing it is.
Thank you all

from pasty to tasty

We are still relatively new foster carers, but we have had 30 or so kids pass through our home. The majority of them have of course had many problems. One common theme however is finger food addiction. Most of the children we have fed have lived a life of Happy Meals and Hot Chips, and a home cooked meal means, nuggets on a plate. I was raised a vegetarian, my mother had a keen interest in nutrition. I remember as a young child going along to shopping centres with her as she would do free vegetarian cooking demonstrations. Variety was the biggest rule my mother taught us, and colour. Eat a crap load of different coloured food. (That doesn't mean dye mashed potatoes many colours.....)
So it interests me, when I meet adults that state, "My child won't/can't eat that". Or when they raise an eyebrow when I serve my 11 month old carrot sticks and tomato pieces.

I have a lot of kids that come to me pasty. They are the colour beige, the same as the mass produced, processed food that they have been failing to thrive on. It amazes me over and over again, just how quickly these children go from pasty to tasty. How readily they will eat what they have been provided, and how they begin to thrive on more nutritious food. The difference for them is almost immediate. I have noticed not only physical differences but behavioural differences.

How do I get my child to eat better? It may not work for everybody, but what Lee and I do has worked for every child that we have cared for.

What do you eat?
It is a good parenting practice to have the same expectations of our children that we do of ourselves. The problem with this is that we don't always have a high expectation of ourselves when it comes to what we eat.
I recognise a slide in my own health and energy reserves the minute I stop filling my diet with healthy responsible food choices. We try and live by a 80% 20% rule. 80% Healthy, Fresh, Natural food 20% Anything Else. How can I ask a child to eat a serve of vegetables if I pick most of the salad pieces out because they don't match my preference?

Who is the boss?
If you have lovingly prepared a meal for your child, you have made a decision. You decided to feed your child that food. If they refuse, its not about what they can and cant stomach, its about disobedience. (Similarly, if you have said "No, you may not watch TV, and the child keeps watching it anyway, and screams at you "I don't wanna turn it off", THIS IS DISOBEDIENCE, and must be addressed) We don't believe in forcing a child to eat a full plate of food, but they must try everything on the plate. If the child says they are full, there is NO other food. If the child is flatly refusing to eat it, they are not offered any other food, and the same plate of food is re offered each time the child states they are hungry. We make it very clear to the child that if they are refusing to eat it, they will get the plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until its eaten. It is very rare that we have to follow through on this threat, as when the children have seen it done once, they all very happy to quickly eat the food. Its a life skill to eat good nutritious food. It is considered a not negotiable in our house.

If this is going to be a teaching moment how can I make it fun?
My mother always said that whenever a child is challenging its a wonderful opportunity for a teaching moment. This framework really helps me deal with MY emotions as a parent when I am dealing with challenging behaviours, and food issues are no different. If my child is going to fight with me about it, and I am going to have a challenge, how can I best prepare, for the most positive outcome? Here are some of the things that we do every day, to help the process and make it fun.

-Get the child to help pick recipes for the meal plan for the week.
-Take the child grocery shopping with you, get them to pick the ingredients from the shelves into the trolley
-Let the child help you prepare the meal
-Zero snacks from at least 2 hours before your meal
-Offer fruit and vege first - all processed foods are a reward for when the child finishes the good stuff.
-Have a clear idea of what portions you expect your child to eat before the meal starts
-Praise and recognise the child's efforts in front of the whole family
-Sit at the table for your meal (its pretty hard to monitor food intake if you are engrossed in the latest episode of neighbours)
-Praise the children at the table that are eating foods that you know they aren't fussed on (competition between children is unavoidable - use it to your advantage)
-Understand what foods do for you (the old carrots are making your eyes stronger and tomato's are good for your prostate - kids don't really know what it means but they love the little facts and it will crack you up when they repeat it to you!)
-Have a back up plan that you and your partner have decided on previously. (we commonly use "we will continue to serve this same meal to you until you eat it", or "if you wont eat this plate of food, I will steam some Brussel sprouts for you" - those are your two options)
-Tomato Sauce smiley faces will transform any meal.

I am no saint when it comes to what I eat, my figure certainly provides a resume for my addiction to bad fatty foods, but eating the food that nourishes our bodies, should be a skill that our children are equipped with. How can they ever make good choices in their lives if they were never taught the ability to eat a variety of foods? And how can we manage other challenging behaviours if we ignore disobedience in what should be a major and staple routine of each day? I am so proud of the children that have learnt to eat well in our home, particularly when you consider that a lot of them associate abuse with certain foods.

I promise you though, if you can feel in control of mealtimes, and meal content... it will give you a little Sneaky Happiness

time to shift camp

I think I have sat on this mountain for sometime. Looking around from my point of veiw, not really understanding the valleys, or the pathways, or the water. Admiring the beauty, respecting their roles, appreciating their participation. But really only having my own point of veiw. Maybe I should have imagined life as a valley? Maybe I should have imagined sitting on a different peak? This mountain never thought itself better than any other, or more valuable than any part of the scenery, but I think I have sat on this mountain for sometime.