midnight ponderings.

Do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? I hate it. My brain is wide awake and my body is barely coping. I am never sure what the right thing to do is. I am always worried I am letting the stakeholders down. I worry.
Not in a "Oh No, the world is about to end" kind of sad way.. more in a "how can I fix everything, and make things perfect" way. Or a "have a made the right choices for my children" way...
I heard a saying once that said "they pull the babies out, and they shove the guilt in", its a wee bit crass but I think its relevant. Is there ever a time that a mothers mind is at peace?
Being solution oriented is a pro and a con, because it means that I can always see several options. And I can never be sure of which way to go. So I pick one, but I am always looking over my shoulder wondering if the other would have been a better option.
Anyway, for tonight at least, I have decided that I wish I were 8, without a care in the world other then cleaning my bedroom and my teeth.

family

I am thankful for the legacy of hospitality that Grandma and Grandpa have left in their descendants. I dont doubt that I could knock on any one of your doors and be welcomed with open arms.. What a wonderful culture.
Recently, Aunty Ros and Uncle Brian gave up their own holidays to house and feed me and emma and her kids. This was a sacrifice for not only them, but for Charlotte and Charlie. So welcoming and giving. Thank you so much.
But this is the same willing spirit that I have seen from all of you.
When we used to come down from PNG we would camp in the loungerooms of all my Aussie Aunts...
Aunty Nell kept me after my folks went home, and I remember her trepidation after I dyed my hair black with her neighbour... 'are you sure your mother wont mind?' (she said after I had done it!) I think my cheeky reply was 'it wont matter cause Ive done it, easier to say sorry than ask permission' (My poor mother... I love you Mum, God gave me the best blessing when he allowed me to be yours!)
Aunty Trices house was always so wonderful too, so much fun in the pool at the old Springwood house! and getting to play with Micheles girly things, and dance costumes was so much fun! Always a house of raucaus laughter.
Going to Cindys was (is!) magical. I remember thinking that it (Bondi) was paradise, so much freedom... buses to anywhere, great vibe, great conversations... always welcome at Cindys. I remember so many of my boarding school holidays spending 3am nights with you. Drinking Coffee like a grown up and fixing the problems of the world.
And Aunty Karen... you were always so wonderful too. I cant beleive the running around you willingly did to set me up at Lilydale. All the trips to and from the airports at the start and end of every term. Running around to buy me sleeping bags and pick up little treats for me!(now as a parent I can appreciate your sacrifice so much more, you were doing ALL of that plus doing the normal running around for your own kids, and managing it all with SO MUCH STYLE!) I was so proud when you would come to pick me up, my friends would see my beautiful Aunt, and I felt like smugly saying, yep, I'm with her!
Peter and John always made time for us too. I remember hanging out at the wilderness society (Is that the right organisation you worked for John) and being bought lunch at a Cafe.. and loving all the fantastic food! John I admire you so much, I hope my sons can become as admirable men as I think you are.
Same with you Peter, I remember traipsing around town with Meredith and meeting you in the city where you worked (I know it was govt, but too young to absorb the info) You always stop everything your doing when I drop around to see you and Evie (which I know isnt enough!) you make the time for people.
And Jenny, I know without even asking that your door is open to me. and any of the family. Your love for all of us is felt across the miles. One day I am going to camp on your loungeroom floor, as I know many of our relatives have.
My point is.. this hospitality, this warm accepting open home love that you all have, came from Gma and Gpa.. and what a blessing it is.
Thank you all

from pasty to tasty

We are still relatively new foster carers, but we have had 30 or so kids pass through our home. The majority of them have of course had many problems. One common theme however is finger food addiction. Most of the children we have fed have lived a life of Happy Meals and Hot Chips, and a home cooked meal means, nuggets on a plate. I was raised a vegetarian, my mother had a keen interest in nutrition. I remember as a young child going along to shopping centres with her as she would do free vegetarian cooking demonstrations. Variety was the biggest rule my mother taught us, and colour. Eat a crap load of different coloured food. (That doesn't mean dye mashed potatoes many colours.....)
So it interests me, when I meet adults that state, "My child won't/can't eat that". Or when they raise an eyebrow when I serve my 11 month old carrot sticks and tomato pieces.

I have a lot of kids that come to me pasty. They are the colour beige, the same as the mass produced, processed food that they have been failing to thrive on. It amazes me over and over again, just how quickly these children go from pasty to tasty. How readily they will eat what they have been provided, and how they begin to thrive on more nutritious food. The difference for them is almost immediate. I have noticed not only physical differences but behavioural differences.

How do I get my child to eat better? It may not work for everybody, but what Lee and I do has worked for every child that we have cared for.

What do you eat?
It is a good parenting practice to have the same expectations of our children that we do of ourselves. The problem with this is that we don't always have a high expectation of ourselves when it comes to what we eat.
I recognise a slide in my own health and energy reserves the minute I stop filling my diet with healthy responsible food choices. We try and live by a 80% 20% rule. 80% Healthy, Fresh, Natural food 20% Anything Else. How can I ask a child to eat a serve of vegetables if I pick most of the salad pieces out because they don't match my preference?

Who is the boss?
If you have lovingly prepared a meal for your child, you have made a decision. You decided to feed your child that food. If they refuse, its not about what they can and cant stomach, its about disobedience. (Similarly, if you have said "No, you may not watch TV, and the child keeps watching it anyway, and screams at you "I don't wanna turn it off", THIS IS DISOBEDIENCE, and must be addressed) We don't believe in forcing a child to eat a full plate of food, but they must try everything on the plate. If the child says they are full, there is NO other food. If the child is flatly refusing to eat it, they are not offered any other food, and the same plate of food is re offered each time the child states they are hungry. We make it very clear to the child that if they are refusing to eat it, they will get the plate for breakfast, lunch and dinner until its eaten. It is very rare that we have to follow through on this threat, as when the children have seen it done once, they all very happy to quickly eat the food. Its a life skill to eat good nutritious food. It is considered a not negotiable in our house.

If this is going to be a teaching moment how can I make it fun?
My mother always said that whenever a child is challenging its a wonderful opportunity for a teaching moment. This framework really helps me deal with MY emotions as a parent when I am dealing with challenging behaviours, and food issues are no different. If my child is going to fight with me about it, and I am going to have a challenge, how can I best prepare, for the most positive outcome? Here are some of the things that we do every day, to help the process and make it fun.

-Get the child to help pick recipes for the meal plan for the week.
-Take the child grocery shopping with you, get them to pick the ingredients from the shelves into the trolley
-Let the child help you prepare the meal
-Zero snacks from at least 2 hours before your meal
-Offer fruit and vege first - all processed foods are a reward for when the child finishes the good stuff.
-Have a clear idea of what portions you expect your child to eat before the meal starts
-Praise and recognise the child's efforts in front of the whole family
-Sit at the table for your meal (its pretty hard to monitor food intake if you are engrossed in the latest episode of neighbours)
-Praise the children at the table that are eating foods that you know they aren't fussed on (competition between children is unavoidable - use it to your advantage)
-Understand what foods do for you (the old carrots are making your eyes stronger and tomato's are good for your prostate - kids don't really know what it means but they love the little facts and it will crack you up when they repeat it to you!)
-Have a back up plan that you and your partner have decided on previously. (we commonly use "we will continue to serve this same meal to you until you eat it", or "if you wont eat this plate of food, I will steam some Brussel sprouts for you" - those are your two options)
-Tomato Sauce smiley faces will transform any meal.

I am no saint when it comes to what I eat, my figure certainly provides a resume for my addiction to bad fatty foods, but eating the food that nourishes our bodies, should be a skill that our children are equipped with. How can they ever make good choices in their lives if they were never taught the ability to eat a variety of foods? And how can we manage other challenging behaviours if we ignore disobedience in what should be a major and staple routine of each day? I am so proud of the children that have learnt to eat well in our home, particularly when you consider that a lot of them associate abuse with certain foods.

I promise you though, if you can feel in control of mealtimes, and meal content... it will give you a little Sneaky Happiness

time to shift camp

I think I have sat on this mountain for sometime. Looking around from my point of veiw, not really understanding the valleys, or the pathways, or the water. Admiring the beauty, respecting their roles, appreciating their participation. But really only having my own point of veiw. Maybe I should have imagined life as a valley? Maybe I should have imagined sitting on a different peak? This mountain never thought itself better than any other, or more valuable than any part of the scenery, but I think I have sat on this mountain for sometime.

my bumper sticker

I need someone to design a bumper sticker that says "yes, I know that I am going incredibly slow, and I probably should try and overtake the truck in front of me, and move to the next lane so that you can merge, but realistically, then the second lane would also be going too slowly, and I would annoy someone else, because, it is just enough that my poor bus is functioning as a moving vehicle, I can't ask much more of her."

A twinkle in their eyes...

A perfect Queensland day. The breeze was blowing gently, the sun shining, and the shadows of the leaves from the mango trees was dancing across our freshly mown grass. The bubbly giggles of my 3 and 4 year old spilled across the wind.

I looked out at them jumping on the trampoline, thinking about how wonderful they are. The 3 year old, with his blond hair and blue eyes, a truly angelic face, and the four year olds sweetness just oozes from his skin. I thought, how blessed am I that I can have these two boys. That they can just jump up and down on the tramp without a care in the world, and how privilidged am I that I can sit here and watch them. Not missing these heartwarming moments.

I turned back to the study desk where my 8 and 11 year old were working on their assignments, and began to reread the passage that had somehow seemed less important than gazing on the happiness and glee outside.

It was then that my neighbour knocked on my door. He had several stones in his hand, and trying to calm his anger, he politely asked that I stopped my foster children from pelting his car with stones. I looked back outside. The scene that had earlier seemed so wonderful and innocent, now shattered.

The boys were still giggling, and jumping with glee... but I now noticed, the bucket of rocks so carefully collected by the two, balancing on the edge of the tramp, and in their grubby little fingers - ammunition... and in their eyes... a gleam, that was a little less about the simple things in life, and a little more about who could be the first of them to actually hit the car with their rock!